And to think, Smithers...

"...you laughed when I bought Ticketmaster: Nooobody's going to pay a hundred-percent service charge."

"It's a policy that ensures a healthy mix of the rich and the ignorant, sir."

Well, consider me ignorant; because after paying Ticketmaster service fees twice, I sure as hell ain't rich.

See, here I was, ordering tickets over the phone for two different concerts. The first, in November, is to see The Sunparlour Players. The second, in December, is to see Finest Kind at their annual Christmas concert.

Both are at the Black Sheep Inn. Tickets for both are available through TicketWeb.

Seems simple enough.

And yet.

Follow me as I relive the painful and expensive ticket purchasing experience!

"Hello, my name is Josh*, thank you for calling TicketMaster."

I thought this was TicketWeb. I'm confused. But let's proceed.

"Ok. I'd like to order some tickets for two different concerts, please."

"Ok. What's the first one?"

"Sunparlour Players at the Black Sheep, Nov. 14."

"Ok, one second. I have to log into my system first."

Odd. I'd have thought you'd have done that already. Anyway, onward...

"Ok, here it is. How many would you like to buy?"

"Two, please."

"Ok, I have to mention that for this purchase there will be a service charge of seven-fifty."

Jesus. That's half the price of a ticket.

"Ok, fine. But before that, can I order the other tickets?"

"Um, I actually have to complete this purchase first. Your credit card number, please?"

---Some time passes, in which our protagonist provides his address, credit card number, email and phone number----

"Ok. Can I order the other tickets now?"

"Yes. But one second. I have to switch into our other system. What was it again?"

"Finest Kind at the Black Sheep. December thirteenth."

"Yeah, it's not coming up on my screen."

"But on the site it says they're both available through TicketWeb"

"Yah, well, some are TicketWeb, some are TicketMaster."

K.

"I hope the system picks this up, otherwise I'm going to have to ask you for your address and credit card again."

Seriously? The system doesn't know who I am now?

"Yah, sorry about this. What was your address again?"

---Some time passes, in which our protagonist provides his address, credit card number, email and phone number----

"Ok. For four tickets, the service charge for this purchase will be thirty-five dollars."

No, no it won't. This is one purchase, not two. It's only two because your stupid systems don't talk to each other. That's not my problem. It is, however, my money.

"Ok. Thank you."

Ticketmaster, you are pure, concentrated evil. 

I tried finding that Simpsons clip on Youtube, but only found something close in Spanish. For some reason Fox doesn't care about Simpsons clips on youtube, provided they're in Spanish.

Enjoy. I know Ticketmaster will.




*Not Josh. I can't remember the guy's name. Nor is this a complaint against Josh. He was as much at the mercy of his systems as was I. Poor guy was probably just starting his shift, too.